


Mac is A Donor

by Midgard_writer



Series: It's Always Sunny in Fanfics [1]
Category: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-30
Updated: 2020-05-28
Packaged: 2021-03-01 17:34:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 4,800
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23920918
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Midgard_writer/pseuds/Midgard_writer
Summary: Twenty years after Mac made a crucial decision, it comes back, only to give Charlie and Frank an idea.
Series: It's Always Sunny in Fanfics [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1832713
Comments: 4
Kudos: 6





	1. The Opening

**Author's Note:**

> This is a short fic, but I hope y'all enjoy!

9:30 AM

ON A TUESDAY

PHILADELPHIA, PA

Paddy’s Pub was open for all to come to. The signs were bright and the door was unlocked. Alas, there were only six people in the bar. One had been a guy who passed out after his second drink. Dennis thought nothing of it, as ‘Passing out Peter’ was now a regular in his pub. The man was busy cleaning mugs, but he could still hear the conversation his friends, dad and sister were having, including his own thoughts. 

“Charlie, we are not having a celebrity endorse our bar,” he said.

“Why not?” Charlie asked, in a tone that sounded like a defeated kid who was convincing his parents to let him go to a sleepover at his weird friend’s house,” People do it all the time!”

“People have the money to do that,” Dee said in a snarky tone,” Unless one of us pimps ourselves out, or Frank gives us the money-”

“I’m not paying for a celebrity to come to the bar,” Frank argued,” And if you pimped yourself out, we’d definitely be screwed.”

The others laughed but Dee rolled her eyes. She patiently waited for one of these assholes to make a bird joke…

“He’s right,” Mac mentioned,” Beastiality is wrong and I’m sure having sex with an ostrich would hurt while they peck at your penis.”

There it was. The boys were laughing at the joke that seemed to be used over and over again. Dee gave a casual ‘Fuck you’ to the entirety of the crew before she turned to look at the bottles. Frank took a chug from his glass and had another thought.

“Who would we even get to endorse this piece of shit?”

“Hey!” Dennis argued,” This is my piece of shit and don’t you forget it. Anyway, I don’t know. We could get Cher.”

“I knew you missed the gay bar,” his sister smirked,” I say we get Ric Flair.”

“He banged your mother,” Frank declared,” There’s no way we’d ever let him promote this business.”

Dee and Dennis hardly believed what their father had to say. Their mom did sleep around but they never thought that she’d have sex with a pro wrestler...then again. They were then pulled away from their thoughts when a thought came to Mac’s mind. 

“You know,” he placed his bottle on the counter,” there is one guy I think I could get to sponsor us...Bruce Springsteen.”

The others called bullshit on their friend’s thoughts. There would be no way that Mac knew ‘The Boss’. The man seemed offended that no one believed that he had connections to the singer. His reasoning behind it?

“When I was in high school,” he claimed,” Bruce sent me a letter because I wrote him a letter. He answered me and told me that, if I ever needed him, he’d be willing to help.”

“Mac,” Dee played along,” If you can prove to me that you got a letter from Bruce Springsteen, we’ll consider having him endorse the bar.”

Dennis gave his sister a look, but he knew his friend would never find a letter. So, he simply watched as Mac ran to the backroom in search of the letter. Charlie was eager, the others not wanting to crush his hopes. They heard the front door open and saw a young girl walk in. She looked around eighteen, and while the others would let it slip, Dennis would have to card her. 

The girl looked around the bar in search of people. Everyone watched silently, wondering if she was someone just here to get some PCP from Cricket--who was passed out in the bathroom. Until they realized that her style was neat and her long hair was clean. She looked like the type of person that would have picked on the crew in highschool. When she turned to them with nervous steps, however, Dennis was ready.

“Can I see some ID?” he asked.

“Oh,” she said softly,” I’m not here for a drink. Is there a Ronald McDonald here?”

“McDonalds is down the street,” Charlie began,” To the left and-”

“Yeah, he’s here,” Dennis interjected,” Can I ask why?”

Mac came from the back, claiming that the letter was gone. The group knew that would happen, but they were more focused on the girl before them. Mac looked to her, unsure of what was happening. The girl looked up at Mac and gave him a smile.

“Are you Ronald McDonald?” she asked.

“Yeah,” he glanced at her,” Why?”

“I’m Shauna Winters,” she said with a small laugh,” I’m...I’m your daughter!’

Silence came about the group. Mac realized what was happening. He turned to his friends, who were staring at the guard. That’s when he realized that he had a lot to explain to the group.

“I need to explain myself, don’t I?”

“Mac,” Frank said slowly,” Who did you bang?”


	2. The Truth

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Enjoy!

The crew dragged Mac to the back of the bar to have a long talk. They kept looking out at the girl who sat pleasantly at the bar. They smiled at her and she smiled back, until they shut the door. Shauna only wondered what her dad was telling his friends. She admitted to herself that she was freaked out about the bar, but she would be strong and remain patient. Even if a homeless man who was talking about ‘his stash’ just stumbled out of the restroom.Dennis closed the door and everyone whipped their heads to Mac. He knew he had a lot to explain.

“Did you bang someone famous?” was, of course, Frank’s first question.

“No,” Mac insisted,” No guys, it’s nothing like that.”

“If it’s nothing like that,” Charlie argued,” then what is it like? I mean, even I know how a baby’s made. And you need two people!” 

Mac rolled his eyes at the words of his close friend. It was more than that and he hated to have to explain it. He never thought it would come to this. He leaned against the desk as everyone waited for an explanation. 

“I was in my twenties,” he explained,” I needed some money. I was doing all sorts of weird shit to make a buck and, before you ask, no, I didn’t sell myself. I searched everywhere for any dollar I could get. And then, I found it. Sperm banks. They paid me a thousand just for me to mastubate into a cup.”

Frank and Charlie glanced to each other. They had an idea, but wanted to advance further on what they should do. 

“How much does a woman pay for sperm?” Charlie asked.

“...Does it matter?”

“Women pay thousands to get sperm,” Dee mentioned casually, putting Charlie and Frank’s minds in a craze,” That, or I just screwed Carmen out of a couple thousand bucks.”

“Wait, you got paid to do that?”

“Anyway, I didn’t think that anyone would actually use my sperm to make a kid.”

The crew glanced to one another. Mac was so full of bullshit that it made Dee look like a nun. As Dennis and Dee started to berate Mac, Charlie and Frank shuffled to the side. They knew the bickering siblings wouldn’t notice, so they decided to make the most of it.

“Are you thinking what I’m thinking?” Frank asked quietly. 

“This bathroom needs a serious cleaning.”

“Besides that. Thousands of dollars just for a cup of some dude’s jack off. Look at all the sperm banks in Philly--they make more money than they know what to do with!”

“Yeah but where are we gonna find men to do this?” he asked,” I mean, you have to have pictures of the guys. And we have to pay them!”

Frank told Charlie not to worry about the last part. But he knew exactly where to go. They slipped off as Mac was trying to figure out what to say. As odd as it was, he couldn’t just let his daughter slip away again. He wanted to get to know her with a first chance. 

“This is a great opportunity for me to be a father!” 

“I agree,” Dennis admitted,” but what the hell are you gonna do with an eighteen year old?”

Dennis soon realized how bad that sounded, but kept quiet. Mac had to take a second to think about his life and what he would do with his daughter. He then had a thought.

“You guys have to keep everything I’ve done in the past twenty years a secret. I don’t want my daughter to know I’m a failure and that she’s basically got no chance?”

“Now, that’s not-”

“Just promise me you won’t say anything…” 

Dee and Dennis looked each other in the eye. They decided that they could let it go for one day. Mac was grateful. He was nervous, to say the least. This was his daughter. This was his chance. With that, they all left the room and into the bar, Shauna still sitting in her place. She looked clearly uncomfortable, but flashed a smile when Mac reappeared.

“Hey kiddo,” he sai 

“This is an...interesting place!” she complimented. 

“Yeah, yeah,”Mac nodded,” So, Shauna, what is your...situation? I mean, do you know…?”

“Yes, I’m a sperm bank baby. My moms ended up moving me out of Philly when I was born and I’ve been away ever since. They tried to contact you to see if you wanted to meet me, but we never got a reply.”

“What?” Mac sort of laughed at her comment,” I haven’t received anything in eighteen years.”

“Really?” Shauna was confused,” My moms have sent a ton of pictures and they’ve never gotten a return to sender. Oh! I actually have the address.”

She showed the address to her father with a smile on her face. Mac looked at the address and clear annoyance came to his face. He realized that the only address they had was his mom’s...he knew what he had to do.

“Hey, kiddo,” Mac decided, “Why don’t you wait outside for a minute? We’re gonna meet your grandma!”

Shauna excitedly walked out of the bar. She was spending time with her father! When the door shut, he turned to his friends.

“Guess I gotta pay a visit to my mother!”


	3. The New Plan

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Enjoy!

The gym was the perfect place to find a guy for Charlie and Frank’s new plan. They needed a guy who was strong and was built like a god. There was a lot of places and people Frank could go to, but this was his best bet. Charlie was amazed by the muscles and strength these men had. Frank was still trying to figure out who he was gonna start off with. 

“We gotta find the most perfect guy in this building,” the shorter of the two said,” Someone with blond hair, blue eyes and a great build.”

“Hitler’s perfect man--got it,” Charlie turned and saw the one,” there!”

The two looked over and saw a tall, blond young man finishing his weights routine. The two men looked to each other and nodded. They walked up to him as he finished.

“Woo! That’s some nice muscles you’ve got there,” Charlie said.

“Thanks, man,” the guy replied.

“You ever think about having kids?” Frank brought up, to which the guy had,” well, my business partner and I think you would be the perfect first client. Now, we don’t have a lot of money, but we think the ladies would love for you to be the mother of your child.”

The guy was confused and they could tell. From there, Charlie explained why they were there and what they were doing. The guy seemed highly uncomfortable as they kept going. He wanted to say something, but he felt bad about interrupting. Finally, once they were done, they asked what he thought. And he had to give a soft laugh. 

“Sorry guys,” he said,” I’m engaged…”

“Oh, you don’t have to tell her!” 

But Charlie’s words scared him off. Frank realized that they needed a new gimmick. They moved into the bathroom and hid in a stall. 

“There has to be something that can get guys to join our side,” Frank said,” I’m not pouring all my money into this for some whoores to get sperm.”  
“Alright, alright,” Charlie said,’ Now there’s gotta be someone, but who?”

“How much are you charging?” Cricket asked in the stall next to him. 

The two men looked at each other and came out of the stall. They saw their friend smoking weed in the stall next to theirs. He had no shame, which left the door wide open. Charlie was offended that Cricket wasn’t doing drugs in the bathroom of Paddy’s. 

“What the hell are you doing here?” Frank asked. 

“I only smoke weed at the gym,” Cricket threw the rest of his pot into the toilet and flushed it,” I think I can help you with your sperm problem. I’ve got a couple buddies that would love to give some for your cause.”

“Well, Cricket, we don’t have a lot of money to give yet-”

“Oh, no, they’d do it for free.”

At the sound of that, Charlie and Frank were quite alright with this. Mac, meanwhile, was angrily knocking on the door of his mom’s house. His daughter was right behind him, looking forward to meeting her grandmother. When a sweet, older lady opened the door, Shauna’s face lit up. But Mac’s did not.

“Hi Mrs.Kelly,” he said,” Is my mom home?”

“Oh, she’s on the couch,” Bonnie looked behind Mac,” Are you here to sell cookies?”

“What? Oh! No, Mrs. Kelly, this is my daughter, Shauna.”

“I didn’t know you were a dad, Mac!” she smiled,” I wish Charlie would find a nice woman so I could be a grandma.”

Shauna felt bad for the woman as they entered the house. She saw a grumpy old woman sitting there, smoking a cigarette. The girl knew it would bother her, so she made sure her inhaler was ready. Mac angrily walked over to his mother.

“You knew I had a daughter!” 

“What the hell are you talking about?” she grumbled. 

“Don’t go there,” he said,” You got pictures and letters from a couple that was for me. And this is my kid!” 

He gestured to Shauna, who was coughing loudly. He became nervous and asked what was wrong. She took a big breath from her inhaler and relaxed. Mac glared at his mother. 

“And now she’s allergic to your cigarette smoke!”

“How do you know that?”

“An asthmatic in a clean house with a woman who’s smoking...oh, I don’t know!” 

Mac was annoyed, but he was relieved that she was happy about having a granddaughter. He decided it wasn’t worth it and figured he should spend the time with his daughter instead of arguing with his mom. He thanked the two and took Shauna outside, hoping her asthma would let up.

He had to take her somewhere, but he couldn’t think of a place. There was a diner that he banged one of the servers, but she moved away after Dennis banged her. Yeah, he could take his daughter there!

“Hey kiddo,” he asked,” Wanna grab some food?”

Shauna thought about it for a second. They’d already been through a lot today and she could tell this guy’s life was chaotic. But she had to give her dad a chance. He seemed like he meant well and he wanted to do his best for her. Plus, it was free food.

At the diner, they patiently waited to eat. Mac wanted to ask his daughter about her life, but what would he say? What would he do? 

“So when did your moms tell you about--you know.”

“When I was a freshman in high school. They were worried I wouldn’t take it well, but it made sense. I mean, I knew I wasn’t adopted, but I was surprised that I’d never met you. I’m actually here for a tour of Temple because I’m going there in the fall.”

Mac was impressed by his daughter. She’d been going to school for psychology and she was fourth in her class. He didn’t mind listening to her talk and tell her story. In fact, it made Mac the happiest he’d been in a while. He wanted to be open with her and wanted to try to tell her all he could. 

“Hey, since you’re gonna be in Philly,” he suggested,” you and I can get to know each other more! You can visit the bar, maybe get a few drinks for your friends-”

“Oh, I don’t really party or anything like that...but I’d still love to hang out!” 

Mac smiled, then paused for a minute.

“Before we continue this bonding thing...I gotta tell you that I’m gay.”

“Cool, she smiled,” So are my moms.”

Mac smiled, feeling that they would get along just fine.


	4. Pondy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Enjoy!

Charlie and Frank had advertisements posted all over town. Pondy had helped by getting homeless junkies off the streets and to the apartment. It was only five dollars for a little jar, but five bucks was five bucks. The line was out the door, with men smoking crack and passing out on the floor. Those that did so were immediately stepped over. The door of the apartment flung open and a homeless man, tightly holding five dollars, stumbled out.

“Thank you, Rex,” Frank sighed, looking down the hall,” Holy shit! Charlie, look at all this.”

Charlie looked outside and saw the long line. His jaw was almost to the floor as his eyes looked down the hall. He laughed in amazement and high fived Frank. Then, they heard cursing. The duo turned to the other side to find Johar coming their way. Frank felt annoyance as the young man came walking towards the two.

“What the hell is going on here?” he asked,”What are you doing to these apartments?”

“Making it better than your father could ever make it,” Frank groaned,” By the way, how’s that son of a bitch?”

“Ever since he choked on snake meat,” the new owner exclaimed,” He has not been able to speak! I do not know who made him choke, but when I find out, I will get them for this!”

Frank hid his laughter, as he didn’t know how wild Johar could become. But then, Frank could not help but let out his signature laugh.

“That’s what he gets for snackin’ down on snakes!”

Johar shook his fist and left the room, unsure of what to do. Charlie’s phone was now ringing and he saw that it was Dennis. As Frank helped another client, Charlie answered.

“Hey, what’s up?”

“You are not going to believe this,” Dennis said,” The Waitress came in looking for you and Cricket was smoking PCP in the bathroom. Well, they got into it and you’ve got to see this fight!”

“Dude!” Charlie gasped, explaining the situation to Frank,”We’ll be right there!” 

Frank and Charlie announced to their ‘customers’ that they had to leave. Once they walked out, the crackheads and homeless slowly followed. Soon after, the two ran into Paddy’s, looking for the fight. Frank had his money ready. He was going to bet on Cricket, who had the strength of hundreds of hyped up ex priests. But Charlie, although he found her insane, still had his thoughts on The Waitress, But the only ones that were sitting in the bar were the old men in the corner, and the twins, who were looking at the two with disapproval. 

“Where the hell are they?” Frank asked,” I had money on this!”

“You know what we have money on?” Dennis asked,” The bar. This is my life investment and you guys are doing...whatever Goddamn adventure you’re going on today. Tomorrow’s gonna be something different, but can we do our jobs today? Please?”

Charlie went to protest, but Frank decided that it wasn’t worth it. They decided to just suck it up and work. As they went to work, a few homeless man came wandering in. They were the ones that had been outside of Frank and Charlie’s apartment. Frank called for his roommate and he ran out, a smile on his face.

“Holy shit!” 

“Frank?” Dee asked,” What the hell is this?”

“This is our new business,” Frank turned to the men,”Gentleman, if you follow me to the back. Pay no attention to the bird--that’s not what you want to think about when you’re filling up the jar.”

Dennis and Dee gave each other a look of disappointment. Blocks away, Mac was talking to his daughter about his life, being done with his high school life. He didn’t want to talk about his lack of a college life, so he changed the subject.

“I’m proud of you for going to college,” he said,” especially for psychology. You know, my roommate went to school for psychology. Speaking of which, do you have a place to live? If not, I’d be willing to kick Dennis out. He’d understand because, you know, you’re my...kid.”

“Nah, that’s okay. I’m living in a dorm next year. Besides, I wouldn’t want to kick Dennis out on the street.”

“He could live on the streets,” Mac laughed,” He’s done it before. Hey, there’s my old high school!”

The two turned to look at the big building. Shauna was reminded of her own high school. She’d made friends with a few people, but she wasn’t really popular. Truth be told, neither was he. He was a loser, in his own eyes, but he couldn’t project that onto his kid. He had to show her that mindset that everything would be okay. As he thought this, Bill came from the bushes, scaring Shauna.

“Oh my God!” she yelped. 

“What?” Mac called out,”What’s wrong?”

“Oh shit!” Bill stumbled up,” Hey Mac! How have you been?”

“Good, good,” Mac gulped.

He glanced at his daughter, who was totally confused. She had no idea who or what Bill Ponderosa was, but she was definitely afraid of him. Bill was talking nonsense about drugs and how much money he blew on a prostitute the night before. Mac covered his daughter’s ears, which she just agreed with. 

“And is this your lady?” Bill laughed,”A little on the small side, if ya ask me.”

“First of all,” Mac brought up, removing his hands,”I’m gay. Second of all, this is my daughter, Shauna.”

“Last time I checked, you need a woman for that.”

“That’s what sperm banks are for, sir,” Shauna mentioned.

“Right,” Bill nodded,” You know, your dad used to help deal me weed. He’s a great guy!”

Shauna looked to her father with a face of fear. Mac decided that that was enough and walked off, both hands on both shoulders of his daughter. He wanted to apologize, but seeing the nervous look his daughter had, all he could do was keep quiet.


	5. The End

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you guys enjoy! Thank you for reading!

Dennis and Dee were behind the bar when a beautiful woman walked into the bar. Her long dress and thick...heels made the man drop what he was doing. All Dee could do was roll her eyes at her creepy brother and do another task before she saw him screw up or use his little banging system. He leaned on the wood, watching as she looked around with an obviously fake smile that he was going to choose to ignore. Instead, he gave his best look, unbuttoned one of the buttons on his shirt and gave the only one liner he could.

“Hey.”

“Hi there!” she smiled,”I saw your advertisements around town.”

“Oh, you did?” Dennis didn’t remember putting ads up for the bar, but he slowly went in for his prey,”Well, I’m glad you’re here! Welcome!”

“Thank you! I didn’t imagine that this would be a medical office, but it’s...clean!” she chose to be polite, even with the interesting guests they had. 

Dennis’s smile dropped when he realized what she was really here for. Charlie came out of the back office with a homeless looking man. He was holding a cup of semen and all Dennis could do was miserably choke down vomit. 

“Now, is that with one E or two?” he asked,” I need to ask in case-”

“What the hell is this?” the woman yelled.

“Oh!” Charlie smiled, sticking his hand out,” Hello and welcome to-”

“Get that hand away from me!” she scolded,” This is not a sperm bank!”

“You could be mine,” the homeless man winked.

The woman, with a huff, walked out in disgust. Frank came out of the room just as she left. This was the third woman today. Dennis was disgusted that the two were running an underground sperm bank under his bar roof. Yet, he simply bit his tongue as Mac and Shauna entered the bar. She went to the bathroom while Mac sat at the bar, looking defeated. Though they saw him, the crew was fixated on their own thoughts.   
“Maybe this was a bad idea, Charlie,” Frank sighed.

“Oh really, Frank?” Dennis asked, cocking his head,”A sperm bank, with sperm from crackheads and homeless people, operating in a bar? Gee, and I thought it was a great idea.”

“Well,” Charlie sighed,” We have all that sperm and no use for it. I mean, what can we do?”

Charlie’s face lit up and ran to the back. The others were talking about the failed plan and what they were gonna do next. But Mac was quiet until...

“I’m a bad father,” Mac mentioned,” I didn’t even know I was one until a few hours ago. I wanted to show her that I wasn’t a failure. That I was somebody she could look up to. But now? I screwed up big time.”

The crew were at a loss for words. What could they say? Mac asked Dee for her car keys as Shauna came out of the bathroom. At that point, one of the crackheads shuffled over to her, though she didn’t notice until she looked up.

“Hey there, missy,” he said,” Are you the one I’m supposed to donate to?”

“Excuse me?” she asked.

“You have my five dollars,” he argued,”I donated, now I get five bucks!”

Mac noticed that his daughter was talking to this man. Something in him snapped and he immediately stood up, standing in front of his daughter. The gang watched, confused and unsure of what to do (with Charlie, of course, in the back still).

“What’s going on here?” he asked,” Why are you harassing my kid?”

“She owes me five dollars!”

“Sir, as the bodyguard of this bar, I’m gonna need you to step out of Paddy’s.”

The man went to attack, but Mac had let out a full forced kick. The gang was shocked, Frank cheering Mac on. Of course, he wasn’t going to admit that he was the one the man should be harassing and not the girl. The guy stumbled up as Mac grabbed him by the shirt. Shauna watched in amazement as Mac kicked the guy out of the bar.

“And stay out!” Mac turned to the group, who was in shock,” What?”

“You...that was awesome!” Shauna walked up to him,” Do you do that a lot?”

“I…” he looked to the group, to which Frank gave a thumbs up and the twins shook their heads, then he smiled down at his daughter,” Yeah.”  
Shauna hugged her father and it shocked him. For a minute, he didn’t know what to do. Then, he tightly hugged her, feeling satisfied with what had gone down. He was a parent. A true parent. In a way, even if it was a day, he was somewhat better than his own parents. When she let go, Mac could see a smile on her face.

“Kiddo,” he admitted,”I’m sorry for everything that went on today..”

“Are you kidding?” she laughed,” It was great! I mean, it was weird, but it was awesome. I got to meet my dad!”

“Well, you know,” Frank said,” We get into a lot of shit…”

“But I guess you can come and visit whenever you want,” Dennis brought up.

Mac became excited and smiled at his friends. This was a new legacy for them all. A new group, a new member of the family. At this point, Charlie walked out with a cup and a spoon.

“Hey guys,” he asked,” What are we celebrating?”

“Shauna’s gonna come around, and she’s gonna hang with us,” Mac explained.

“Charlie,” Dee mentioned,” What’s that?”

“This?”

“Charlie...please tell me that’s yogurt,” Frank said.

“I think it is…”

The crew became sick, hoping this antic was finally ending.


End file.
